Laughter is the best medicine!Say, what? XYZ Industries, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, “How much money do you make a week?” A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, “I make $400 a week. Why?” The CEO said, “Wait right here.” He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, “Here’s four weeks’ pay. Now GET OUT and don’t come back.” Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, “Does anyone want to tell me what that goofball did here?” From across the room a voice said, “Delivered pizza for Domino’s.” Hearing what a doctor says may not be what he said A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?” The man replied, “Just doing what you said Doctor, ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful’.” The Doctor said, “I didn’t say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful.” Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about folks from Texas… If someone in a Lowe’s store offers assistance and they don’t work there, you may live in Texas; If you’ve worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Texas; If you’ve had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number; you may live in Texas; If ‘Vacation’ means going anywhere south of Dallas for the weekend, you may live in Texas; If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Texas; If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Texas; If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in Texas; If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Texas; If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph–you’re going 80 and everybody’s passing you, you may live in Texas; If you find 60 degrees ‘a little chilly,’ you may live in Texas; If you actually understand these jokes, and share them with all your Texas friends, you definitely live in Texas!!!
The “Fiscal Cliff” put in a much better perspective….
* U.S. Tax revenue: $2,170,000,000,000
* Fed budget: $3,820,000,000,000
* New debt: $1,650,000,000,000
* National debt: $14,271,000,000,000
* Recent budget cuts: $38,500,000,000,000
Let’s now remove 7 zeroes and pretend it’s a family budget.
* Annual family income: $217,000
* Money the family spent: $382,000
* New debt on the credit card: $165,000
* Outstanding balance on the credit cards: $1,427,100
* Total budget cuts so far: $385
Ok? Let’s try again.
Here’s another way to look at the Debt Ceiling:
Let’s say, You come home from work and find there has been a sewer backup in your neighborhood, and your home has sewage all the way up to your ceilings. What do you think you should do…..raise the ceilings, or remove the crap?
EMS Stick People
Patience of a Grandpa
A woman in a supermarket is following a Grandfather and his badly behaved 3-year-old grandson.
It’s obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle, and for fruit, cereal and soda in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Grandpa is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, “Easy William, we won’t be long – easy, boy.”
Another outburst and she hears the Grandpa calmly say: “It’s okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.”
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart and Grandpa says again in a controlled voice, “William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes, stay cool, William.”
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the Grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy in the car.
She says to the elderly man, “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just kept saying “things would be okay.” William is very lucky to have you as his Grandpa.”
“Thanks,” said the Grandpa. “But I am William. This little turd’s name is Little Dawson.”
The Blind CashierA woman goes into Cabela’s to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark shades. She says to him, “Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?” He says, “Ma’am, I’m completely blind; but if you’ll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.” She doesn’t believe him, but drops it on the counter anyway……… He says, “That’s a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It’s a good all-around combination, and it’s on sale this week for only $20.00.” She says, “It’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I’ll take it!” As she opens her purse, her credit card drops to the floor. “Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,” he says. She bends over to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes………there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around? The man rings up the sale and says, “That’ll be $34.50, please.” The woman is confused by this and asks, “Didn’t you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?” He replies, “Yes, ma’am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.” She paid it and left without saying a word…
The HaircutOne day a Florist went to the Barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the Barber replied, “I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.” The Florist was pleased and left the shop. When the Barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a “Thank you” card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. Later, a Cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the Barber again replies, “I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.” The Cop was happy, and left the shop. The next morning when the Barber went to open up, there was a “Thank you” card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door. Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the Barber again replied, “I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.” The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the Barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut. And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it. BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!
The budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled, public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed lest Rome become bankrupt. People must again learn to work, instead of living on public assistance.”
– Cicero – 55 BC
Two convicts are on Death Row, about to be executed. They are asked if they have any final requests. Convict #1: “I want to hear “What a Wonderful World” played by Kenny G.” Convict #2: “Kill me first.”
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable and an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?” “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.”
A rancher from Odessa, Texas walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international rodeo for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank. The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Texan handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Texan produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest. Later, the bank’s president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Texan for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank’s private underground garage and parked it. Two weeks later, the Texan returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest $23.07. The loan officer said, “Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dun & Bradstreet and found that you are a highly sophisticated investor and multi-millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Midland, Texas. What puzzles us is, “Why would you bother to borrow $5,000?” The good ‘ole Texas boy replied, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?” Don’t mess with Texans…